Wednesday, July 21, 2010

I went through the greenhouse and dumped all the dead plants, the rest are soon to be dead but I'll wait I guess. That was harder than I thought it was going to be, it's probably similar to going through some who's died stuff but a little different since I'm out there still thinking I really should be mad, I will be. I guess I'll have to be. I should be. The stupid plants were supposed to be a good thing, oh good....plants, they have to be a good thing. How can plants cause anything but good? Well, I guess I'm down to a couple hundred.....I'm not totally heartless, I'm sort of taking care of the ones in the house....I'm going to go count them lol.....the 88 in the house. Soon to be minus 2 dead cacti. "They" give you 90 days to get yourself up and running, at first I was No, I need to be up and running now but I'm glad for the 90 days. Funny how even though you live it and expect it at any moment you really do just keep hoping until I guess one day the straw that breaks the camels back shows up in the form of cops in your kitchen and you just give up. I went to bed with Isaac last night because he was the only one here and he remembered last time and how one night he was the only one here then too and I let him sleep in my bed and then looked at me all wide eyed so I slept with the gangly skinny boy who takes up an amazing amount of space.....anyway I was awake for hours but it wasn't a bad can't sleep where you worry and think and generally drive yourself crazy, it was pretty good. Kind of a clearing up of mental trash, looking at it and tossing it. I guess when you give up things that used to hurt don't have to anymore, you get to get rid of them.....and crazy things can be laughed at for being that....crazy. Yes, I was 38...I'm not anymore....but no, no I'm not going through menopause. When you're only 38 and going through menopause is the best that some one can come up with to attack with what can you do but go "huh? Me? Really? Why didn't I know that?". I guess you could throw back "well you've got a bald spot" but why? Oh my....Mel was helpful, amazingly helpful. Hearing it from somewhere else was good, thank you girlfriend. All I have is a couple e-mails....I had an about 1 inch stack of crap that I shredded, kind of wish I hadn't but not really sorry that I did. What good would it do? I know what I need to know, besides the one is enough I think I'll hold onto that. Well the greenhouse is started, I'll clean it up, wait for the rest to die off or get picked up and I guess getting all this stuff done is all just steps towards being done.

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