I can't do hopeless and I can't pretend to do hopeless......I don't get it. I can do WTF and pissed if necessary, but hopeless eludes me. I guess in that moment right before death there might be a twinge of "Oh crap...it's hopeless" which would be where religion kicks in? I do know dealing with it is downright exhausting, fortunately....fortunately what? I don't know, I guess it just needs to be accepted that I don't get it and don't try and to get me there because I don't want to go. You can come with me if you want but I don't want to go there. That being said, we had a very nice yesterday for the boys b-day....we got up, had breakfast, opened presents, and got out the door for the coast at 9:00. We got there with only one episode of pukage!!! The weather was beautiful and the boys got something for their birthday they've never had and may never again, I get it every year :D having the good luck to have a summer birthday, but they got to have a summer day birthday and I know Jake thought it was pretty cool. Hung out there for about 5 hours and headed home, got ready for parents ect to come over. Joe came home a day early for some reason so he was here for dinner, had dinner, had cheesecake, put kids to bed, went to bed. I love hearing these boys giggle....the girls don't giggle....they're sitting next to me putting together their Lego stuff....giggling. A friend of mine said he was going to Northern Lights tonight, trying to decide if I should or not.....I shouldn't have to decide if I "should" or not, if I "want to" or not, ok...."should" not ok. Of course if I do there may be a repeat of the lawless behavior on our last walk....do I need a bad influence in my life? Someone who lives their lives flouting rules and conventions? Telling me lies and coercing me into things I know aren't right. Yeah sure....there's another bridge down the way....after leaving the beaten path and exploring the wild creekside paths....was that when I about walked over the edge? It was lol....oh yeah, if I had fallen in would I have been offered any assistance..no. I know this because I asked...he just said he'd take a picture. So I follow this renegade down little known paths and over the bridge....which I kept saying was the ONLY one......and over into the neighborhood where there is no other bridge. I knew it, well actually there was but it posted clear as day that it was for the use of the RESIDENTS and that there was no trespassing, there was even a lock on the gate! A lock! The gate wasn't closed but it did have a lock on it which must mean something......Hey I just found out the boys have imaginary friends named Jeff and Bob and that really it's just talking to your brain and they are never lonely.......good boys......anyway, yes we surry across the private bridge into the center of a residential setting and out the other side. We are very fortunate that we didn't get caught.......then the Rebel has the nerve to say "oh....there they are" to a patch of purple flowers like he knew they were there all along so he could take a picture of them. So....I'll have to see. There is Cub Scouts and Cheer Camp tonight but they're done by 8:00 and now I'm going to start talking in circles. I think I have shaken off the effects of vicarious hoplessness.......finally.....it only took big obnoxious food and get this....a huge cup of Pepsi, yes...I bought a huge cup of Pepsi and some Muchas Gracias carne asada nachos, ate most of it then felt like crap and slept for a couple hours.....but I feel much better now :). I like the word "crap" I know it's quite crude but it has a certain charm....."crap"......I think it's the hard C and the P....it's pleasing.