Anyone see American Beauty? I know people have, but nobody ever remembers the wife of the neighbor. Well that's what I'm supposed to be...butt out, serve and wait. It really sucks that I just don't have that ability....I can butt out, I can serve.......but I'm having a hell of a time with wait. Especially when I don't know exactly why I have to wait, what I'm waiting for, or for how long I have to. There's a scene in that movie where she is sitting at the dining room table in the middle of the day, the house is immaculate around her, she is immaculate, I'm sure dinner is immaculately ready, and she's just sitting there...waiting. Writing this is not going to be seen as "appropriate" behavior...so disrespectful....yeah well. I don't want to hide and I don't want to cover up....one of the kids pegged it pretty accurately. They said it was like someone was going to keep looking for something and keep picking til they found what I would object to and then use that as a reason to go apesh*t over how controlling I am. That about sums it up. The only thing I would say I'm controlling over is standing up for myself and I've learned that I would say in the last decade or so. I've experienced too many people who will run you over, take the inch, back up and run you over again before they take the mile. As usual, this crap just so happens to pop up right before an event which keeps me in total limbo because I don't know which way to go....I hate that. I like holidays and birthdays but they are getting to be something, well actually have gotten to be something to dread. I, of course, am plowing on through "I will not let someone else ruin my life, I will not let someone else ruin my life" but good lord....when someone else seems determined to suck every bit of everything out of you it gets old. Since someone's birthday is in two days....where does that leave me? Do I have a big old in-your-face-asshole birthday party or do I just throw a cake at them and grunt something. I can do the big old-in-your-face birthday party and they will be all "aww....that was so nice, gee your wonderful" or I can throw a cake at them and give them reason to feel so gosh darn wronged. I do know one thing though I am going to enjoy my birthday, I will crazy proof it beyond all crazy proofing...cue Mission Impossible music......and I will sit and say "ahhhh....that was nice, aren't I wonderful" lol. I was reading about narcissism a while ago and they said that narcissists give themselves the love they don't get from others....hmmmm....I've gotten pretty good at the self love. I wouldn't say I'm a narcissist though, more just I'll take care of myself, you take care of yourself because I can't take care of myself and yourself too. Next problem I have is that my high school reunion is coming up and I'm supposed to buy tickets.....I don't really care one way or the other but I would go just because.....I ask "do you want to go" am answered "yes". So do I buy 2 tickets and hope there's no blowup the day before, do I crazy proof the reunion and just accept that one ticket may go to waste and not let it bother me? I could just skip it but then I'm kowtowing to crazy and on my way to becoming the neighbor in American Beauty....so I just say dammit, but 2 tickets and go on my own if necessary. Ok...that's what I'll do. You know, if everything were just even one way or the other I could deal much easier but this all over the map stuff is exhausting. It goes like this..thursday everything is fine, I help him cook a small feast to bring to work, he even says thank you.......friday, all's normal, I text him and ask "where are you taking me tonight?" no answer, so I figure ok, lol, nowhere....I tried....probably too pushy lol, buy hey all was calm, I thought there was a chance. So, the kids and I decide to have a party, he goes out to a friends house and I have a friend come over.....I enjoyed my evening and he mumbled something about me being wonderful before he went to bed...AND THEN.........SATURDAY!!!!! Things are ok, a little eggshellish.....the day progresses, I start leaving a wide circle....he starts doing things he knows will start something until he comes up with the idea to transplant a bush into the area I, with permission, dug up to plant lavendar in. It's right along the fence in front of the garden, lavendar is a low growing plant so it won't block the sun, the bees like it and it smells good....supposedly relaxing lol. So I go out there and he's planting this bush that will grow 8-10 feet kind of off centered and lined up directly with the plum tree, just a weird place. So I say "Hey, why are you planting that there, I'm going to put lavendar there", and he says "it was in the way", so I say "well, why not plant it on the corner of the fence?" and he grabs the bush like he's going to yank it out of the ground and says"you got a problem with me blah blah?", I just shrug....I mean, ok yank the bush out....duh. He gets all flustered, lets go of it and procedes to finish planting it. Then grabs it with both hands pulls it out and throws it in the compost bin. This is where I need to back down and go away, but I've been there and it just gets worse because he's going to keep searching till he finds the fight.....so I go to his green house and just start moving his plants around I only move like 4 of them, I really would like him to grasp that he can't just do whatever he wants, he doesn't seem to understand that. If I have something or an interest and he decides that he wants it I have to give it up or go through this crap....I want lavendar and we already talked about it and he was good with the idea....he was even going to split the one bush I have for me so I didn't have to buy any.....not anymore I guess. But anyway, he starts grabbing plants and drop kicking them into the yard and holloring about dragging all his plants and greenhouse out to the road with a free sign....umm....and this is a threat to me because? Then he starts stressing over the debris pile in the corner, which btw, he wanted there, I didn't but let him have it his way. You put a debris pile in the back corner of your yard you have to move it later. I'm all for getting rid of it right away, but I'm so bossy and controlling I just let it slide. Well, since I could go on forever, I will stop....I don't really want to air my dirty laundry but I don't really see it as such, I see it as keeping myself from becoming the neighbor lady. I've been to parents, bosses, and counseling.....where else do you go? Besides, if there are things in your life you're so ashamed of that they mustn't be spoken, well .....somethings wrong with that scenario. Why can't I just have the nice one? Why do we have to do this? What's the point? Well, now I can move on....until next time. Golly, I feel like I can do anything, like, like.....I'm a big ol bird...and, and.....I have a string around one of my legs and just when things are really coming together, oh....this bird lives over a pond, the bull on the ground yanks my chain....I mean string and I end up all flapping around in the pond and big ol birds can't swim very well. Except geese and stuff, but I'm not that kind of bird. I'm a pink bird...with green and purple head feathers......wait.....maybe I'm a Muppet?

On a different yet related note....we joined Costco again and due to the mood of the day I spent more than I ever have, but I got the mega pack of toilet paper and the whole collection of mega bags of frozen veggies....and the tub o spinach...which the kids polished off before bedtime. And the mega bag of uncooked tortillas, and the mega box of little cans of V-8, Anna and Isaac love those....and the mega bag of shredded cheese, and the mega tub of cream cheese...oh oh and the mega jar of kalamata olives....mmmmm. Alrighty, I just put clam strips in the oven....I've had this little box in the freezer but there's no way to reasonably split them up among the kids so they are MINE. All mine. I don't know about you, but I feel much better and now I can tra-la-la along and pretend like nothing happened...blast....except the birthday is still coming....why do some people have to be so dang difficult? I would love to some year be able to get into planning something with....what's the word? Eagerness? Joy? Joy is a good thing, if you are lacking in joy why are you here? God did not put us on this earth to grump around, so I think that if you are you comitting a huge sin and need to knock it off....think about it.....you're lying on your death bed and the only thing going through you is how horrible life was what do you think God is going to say? I think he will be pissed and say "I gave you the greatest gift possible and you WASTED it! How dare you....you come back as a bug! No, worse than a bug.....you come back as a slug!" Ever wondered why there were slugs? Now you know....they are the re-incarnated souls of joyless people. I think this week I shall go to a movie, I shall.