I'm sort of stuck. All I want to say is what a total and absolute shit someone is but that wouldn't be appropriate....it's not a surprise, just still really hard to accept even after all these years. This whole thing started because it just had to be proven that I couldn't count on someone for anything but how in the world can someone not pull their head out long enough to possibly notice what they are doing to their kids? They are old enough to notice shittiness, and I don't have to say a word. That being said, my Grandma died this morning. She was supposed to go home today or tomorrow and everything was good.

Good day, life is good, blah blah blah....life is good. Of course I'm flipping back and forth numerous times a day......it's not really anything new though, just a bit different this time. So I've made my mental list of things to look for and figured I'd stop in at garage sales as I see them.....what are the chances of hitting one that has the sizes of all your kids? I did, mostly a jeans bonanza but that's ok.....my goal was shorts for the girls, spandex stuff for Anna and shoes for Katie. Instead I got Anna 5 pairs of jeans and 2 bras, because she has boobs....ok, I'll stop saying that from here on out, Katie a pair of jeans and 2 shorts and 6 pairs of jeans for the boys and 3 random camisoles for whoever....for $12. Woohoo......as nice as it was to have things going well and just be able to go get what you needed as you needed it it is kind of fun to have to put a little effort in. Besides life is cheap, well, life is valuable.....living can be cheap. Well, I guess that is if your kids don't get into things like cheerleading lol.....hmmmm.....Anyway, I have another appointment today, haven't heard from and don't know what's up with his end of things. I guess I'll find out eventually, at sometime in the past I volunteered for Family Fun night so tonight I'll be doing the sucker pull and Bingo....I hope it's ok for the boys to run free because my girl children will be busy building a float tonight, apparently they are going to be in a parade tomorrow.....who knew? It's in Silverton and the boys have baseball right in the middle of the day so I probably won't make it....ohhh....speaking of I'd better get their uniforms in the wash, they have pics tomorrow too. I just get them all spiffy for the pics and take my own before we get there lol. I think tomorrow will be front yard day, yeah.....get it all spiffed up in the morning then baseball stuff. Anyone reading this drivel, I really do just write it for my own sake and it's kind of fun to read later, better than a picture :). I so need to get the crock pot out and into use, it's like a mini one item buffet ready whenever for whoever. I think I am working up to mad, which is a good thing.....don't quite know what to do with it but I guess I'll figure that out. Yeah, I'll go do that now.

I've got a few minutes so here I am, I spent most of yesterday figuring out what I need to do to get real job ready.....having your last job be 8 years of night custodian doesn't prepare you for much other than more of the same, nothing wrong with the custodial gig but I would like another sort of something for the long term lol. So, yesterday I started making an imatch account at the unemployment office and got into this hellaciously long skills test which I'll have to go back and work on....I wonder if I can access that stuff at home? I'll have to check. I filled out and sent in an application for a shoe store....I like shoes. I guess? Today I'm going to maybe pick a friends brain about the best was to fill out the Edzapp application because my ideal would be to get in anywhere with the schools.....except custodial.....but I'd probably take that if I got the chance. Other than that I have an appointment today to go in and see what I need to do to brush up (create) skills needed for getting what I want. Then just the normal, baseball practice and Katie has a choir rehearsal thing but she pretty much can get herself to and from that....though she really wants me to pick her up. Poor kid just wants to quit choir and I keep trying to get her to stick it out......I might relent considering I don't want her to melt down on me. It just seems kind of lame to dropp something right before it all ties up. I don't like uncertainty.....at least not uncertainty you can't really be working on....I guess that would be uncertainty dependent upon outside influences. Gotta go.

Well, it's Mother's Day and the kids are making me breakfast so I thought I'd come on here for a bit. I opened all the little gifts they made at school, Isaac made me a magnet that says "Go Mom", Jake a tile with a butterfly on it, Katie a book mark with 10 things about my Mom, and Anna made a nice card and bought me a plant. The big plan for the day is to have a nice day, the kids want to make breakfast, work on the back yard because it's a field, then go to the park and have a picnic before walking with some friends.....all in all sounds like a good day. Oh yeah....my A-ha moment.....all these years I've thought losing 30 pounds caused pregnancy. IT DOESN'T!!! You don't know how relieved I am considering this week I've lost like 14 pounds pushing me way below the 30 pound threshold. Anyway, my a-ha was losing 30 pounds generally has meant I'm getting myself together, getting fed up with things, and has generally created some sort of insecurity in some....yeah, makes sense to me. Sort of the same way how everything in the past 18 years that should be a good thing has been turned into unpleasant chaos.....so bottom line....I'm not gonna get pregnant! Anyway, I think breakfast is about done so I'm off. Happy Mother's Day!

I am tired, maybe it's hungry? But I don't feel hungry and if it's tired I can't sleep.....so phbblllltttt. Did some more calling today, then spent most of the day at the hospital with my Grandma, she was actually fully aware of everything today but they had to do something else to her so who knows how she'll be tomorrow, she wanted to see the kids and I was going to bring them to her tonight but I guess she's out of it again. Anyway, Anna had her cheer outfit fitting this afternoon, took her to that with the boys, they had to stay out of the locker room so they had fun running the halls. I had to ask about the flexibility on the paying for everything but by gum, Anna's gonna cheer and go to the eighth grade dance and I will find a retainer for a lawyer if need be. I have some piggy banks, ok a piggy bank. Tonight the girls are off with friends and it's just me and the boys, maybe at some point in the future I'll get a TV in the bedroom and we can all sit in there and watch stuff. Tomorrow, Anna has a cheer thing at Riverfront park, Katie runs in the relays and the boys have a baseball game and we're going to visit my grandma if she's up to it. Maybe I should cry, ironically can't seem to do that either.....actually know what I should do. I should get mad. The boys have found my sewing can lol, Jake just brought me a pin and a piece of thread still connected to the half a room away spool and asked me to tie the string on the needle and Isaac found the huge zipper.....anyway can't really seem to get mad either, wish I could figure it out. Maybe it's just resignation, with sadness and a tinge of fear? Jake took the needle I threaded for him and is sewing eyes on the little sock dolls I made years ago, Isaac is making a quilt. I just hope ....lmao......I was just going to say I hope he doesn't sew it to the tablecloth and he says "hey Mom, look at my achievement.....doh" as he tried to pick it up off of the table. OK, I'm going to go with "I can't do anything tonight.....veg".

Ay yi yi.....what a day. Feeling pretty good right now though, let's see.... I escaped a felony assault charge by the grace of one childs good hearing, I've learned that not being able to sleep , eat or cry seem to go together and I seem to be up against a hairy divorce. All in a day, or two....depends on how you count. I just want the house and the kids, I'll take all the bills, leave any investments and retirement stuff, spousal support ect...it could be so simple. But it won't be. So tomorrow I have a job application to turn in, food stamps to apply for, not for the food stamps but for the speed with which they can process child support orders, get in line at legal aid/look for reasonable lawyers, and check that agency that might help with money to change locks ect. Yes, I'm scared, I could handle just the divorce part but I strongly suspect it's going to be a circus. Why expect more in divorce than you got in marriage? I've done it before I can do it again but I so wish it could be logical. Packing up stuff, seeing what he wants....I'm thinking probably just the TV but who knows.....life without TV is actually pretty cool lol.....been there done that last time lol. I do hope he doesn't want the computer though....facebook keeps me sane. Actually I would rather he take the computer than the desk....but then I have to get all the pics out. Dang. Tomorrow. I want to use people this time though....like a popsicle stick fortress. Just stick them all down in the dirt like popsicle sticks in a circle and sit in the middle....maybe cry, maybe just sit there. I think maybe that means I'm tired of it. Crap....18 years. Teach your little girls a phrase, teach them "hell no"....it'll work wonders if used correctly. Which hopefully I have perfected by now, the use of hell no. I'll find out I guess. Because I am never doing this again. Ever. If I get out of this with the house and the kids I have all I need, I love this house and I love my kids and I have no great need for any more. I don't want to do this again but am glad I know how. How to live well on virtually nothing lol. Last time I made $900 a month and had a mortgage of $878.....I'm actually quite proud of that but that was when I was 29 and fiesty, I don't feel so fiesty anymore. One time I took 80 gallons of outdated cream that was being trashed and made it all into butter lmao......that was a project. but I didn't have to buy butter for ever. 80 gallons is a lot of cream. I've done a lot of things lol, good times good times. I just wish it could be normal. I can handle life, I can't handle crazy. I've told the kids so many times in the last 2 days it'll be ok now they're telling me. God, I hope it's allowed to be ok, just leave it alone and let it be ok. I don't know where such hate comes from, I'm not perfect but there's no reason to hate me......but if you must be warned.....a friend gave me an electrical device that can scare the dogs from a room away. I don't want to do this again. But I can. At least I got Cirque Du Soleil in this time....ironically I bought the cool keychain that no longer has a cool car to go with it. Oh well.......later. Know what's a bummer? I left my Lady Gaga CD in the car....I'll never see that again. Or if I do I'll be surprised. I can do it, just leave me the house and kids. If not house then kids. Please.

Yep.....I'm ba-aack....starting to experience status update guilt again. So here I sit surrounded by crap.......had the brilliant idea of the boys emptying their room out into the dining room and doing a start over in there....great plan if you have time to finish. Eh, oh well......taking off tomorrow so I'll leave the mess with the dogsitter....she won't mind : ). Not a single person I've had to enlist in the getting all of us up to Seattle in a 4 seater car has even insinuated that maybe I have a stupid car lol.....I like it, and no I haven't tried to see how fast it will go.....I'm sure it's weenie and I don't need to know anyway because I have cruise control. Yeah baby. I don't particularly like cruise control but it does work great in school zones and small towns....and safety corridors.....if I can just shake the feeling of not really driving....hmmmmm.?.?. Oh, question....how come when squirrels run out into the street in front of your car they stop, look at you then run back the way they came? Why not just keep going and cross? And speaking of squirrels I bought a Squirrel Nut Zipper CD yesterday, any week I'll get it. Went to Sunnyside today but my lady was busy with someone so she handed me a stack of stuff and a folder and said "here's what you need, here's an example" and rushed off, so I went and found a cozy corner and basically became a human collater...collator....I collated stuff. Which was grand because I like to do mundane stuff.....I would have made a great piece of office equipment....maybe if I'm re-incarnated I could come back as a printer or something? Ooooohhh.....no, if I get re-incarnated I want to come back as Bon Jovi! Or Bon Jovi's essence lol....he's already taken. I like him......never really did back in the day, thought he was kinda funny looking.....probably still is, but anyway I like him. Anyway....saw her buzzing around a few times but couldn't find her when I was done so I just stuck it all on her desk and took off.......why do you care? Oh yeah....you don't, but then I don't care if you don't care....muahahahaha. Let's see, Joe will be back in a few weeks and I will try my darndest to have the boys room back in their room by then.....course he'll probably drop in unexpectedly some time or come home early and not let me know.....then I guess it would be ok. Kind of along the same lines of don't walk into someones house without knocking, you never know what may await you. I took advantage of the break in the rain and hauled another reject piece of furniture out to the road, went to Sunnyside and by the time I came home it was gone....people are so funny. They drive by, stop, back up, look, look around, hop out of their car, pop the trunk.....look around furtively and toss your junk into their trunk and drive off. I wonder if they hear the cheering coming out of the house? Do they really need it or is it just the enticement of "free"? When I was going to WOU my roommate and I dragged a couch home....remember that Sarah? Sarah? Are you out there? Remember hauling that thing across the highway lmao.....it was a three seater but one of the thirds had absolutely nothing holding it up. You could hunker down in there and put your head on the arm and really be quite comfortable. Good times, good times. Oh dang!!! I forgot about the coffee concept and went and got a beer.......darn, now I'll never have a rousing night of night house cleaning. Shoot, there's something special about being all spastic at three in the morning.......why are walkie talkies called walkie talkies but vacuums aren't called pushie suckies? It might be more fun to pushie suckie than vacuum....the word you always have to think about how to spell. I guess you would have to be more careful with the pronunciation though....try saying pushie suckie three times fast. Oh oh oh....I did it!!! I went and got another SD card for my camera! Now whenever I take a stupid picture I don't have to go look for another stupid one to delete! Do you know how many memories pictures of meals have? I go back through and I'm all no, that was really good....hmmm......delete that one of the kid...we see them eveyday anyway....we can just re-enact if we really miss the picture. Speaking of kids and pictures, Anna brought home the Spring scam pics from school the other day and they are actually really good but of course she wants the little plastic tag pics and I would want a real picture and they're $12 a sheet, unles you get the "best deal" which is all 5 sheets, or 4 sheets? for $40....ok, fine....times 4 kids. I have the money it's just wrong....couldn't I go to a photographer of some sort for that....I'll buy this year though because it is a really good picture. And heck....loosen up, be normal. It's funny how I've got them all brainwashed....even if I say we'll get something they all check the prices and decide it's too much lol, and Katie has been sick for a couple days and didn't want soda because sugar is bad for the immune system.....heehee and a lmao. I got her some C Monster Odwalla instead which she thought was totally cool. I've decided I need to show the dogs more affection because it's obvious they think I'm really totally cool for some reason and I guess I should accept my responsibilities as lead dog and bestow something upon them. Why have they chosen me? I hate feeling dog nose on the back of my calf every time I take a step, and quite honestly, me coming back from the mailbox is not cause for such excitement. What to do, what to do? Good thing about boring books is that you can always go to bed early and bore yourself to sleep....though the one I'm reading seems to have potential but at half a page a night it'll take me forever to find out....something about Ginger....and a tree? I'm also reading one about historical motels in all the states lol.....may use it for when I get to Wyoming. Oh crap....goodnight. : )