Hallo......I'm waiting around....again. I'm making a friend go make copies with me. For some reason making copies freaks me out......can't they just use the originals? Yeah yeah.....fine, accept it. Life involves copies. I think it's because there's like this stack of stuff and then there are two stacks. Strangely enough having twins didn't freak me out at all, of course they aren't identical. If I had twins now I'd freak out let me tell you. Made a call I've been putting off and was told all I have to do is bring my degree in, have them make a copy and I'll get a letter stating I'm "highly qualified" for my most desired career path....okay truth to tell isn't really aiming all that high right now but it's a start. It's kind of exciting because I don't ever want to be told I'm with someone for their money ever again.....especially since I've never been with anyone with money. But if I ever do get myself in this position again let me tell you he's going to have money because when he says I'm only there for the money it darn tootin gonna be true. I do kind of enjoy #1 telling me he was my tool because then I got the pleasure of thinking in my head...."if I'd a been looking for a tool I would have chosen a sharper one". That was kind of fun....still is actually. Oooops......gotta go....brb.

Back, yeah back. I'm tired.

I'm sort of stuck. All I want to say is what a total and absolute shit someone is but that wouldn't be appropriate....it's not a surprise, just still really hard to accept even after all these years. This whole thing started because it just had to be proven that I couldn't count on someone for anything but how in the world can someone not pull their head out long enough to possibly notice what they are doing to their kids? They are old enough to notice shittiness, and I don't have to say a word. That being said, my Grandma died this morning. She was supposed to go home today or tomorrow and everything was good.

Good day, life is good, blah blah blah....life is good. Of course I'm flipping back and forth numerous times a day......it's not really anything new though, just a bit different this time. So I've made my mental list of things to look for and figured I'd stop in at garage sales as I see them.....what are the chances of hitting one that has the sizes of all your kids? I did, mostly a jeans bonanza but that's ok.....my goal was shorts for the girls, spandex stuff for Anna and shoes for Katie. Instead I got Anna 5 pairs of jeans and 2 bras, because she has boobs....ok, I'll stop saying that from here on out, Katie a pair of jeans and 2 shorts and 6 pairs of jeans for the boys and 3 random camisoles for whoever....for $12. Woohoo......as nice as it was to have things going well and just be able to go get what you needed as you needed it it is kind of fun to have to put a little effort in. Besides life is cheap, well, life is valuable.....living can be cheap. Well, I guess that is if your kids don't get into things like cheerleading lol.....hmmmm.....Anyway, I have another appointment today, haven't heard from and don't know what's up with his end of things. I guess I'll find out eventually, at sometime in the past I volunteered for Family Fun night so tonight I'll be doing the sucker pull and Bingo....I hope it's ok for the boys to run free because my girl children will be busy building a float tonight, apparently they are going to be in a parade tomorrow.....who knew? It's in Silverton and the boys have baseball right in the middle of the day so I probably won't make it....ohhh....speaking of I'd better get their uniforms in the wash, they have pics tomorrow too. I just get them all spiffy for the pics and take my own before we get there lol. I think tomorrow will be front yard day, yeah.....get it all spiffed up in the morning then baseball stuff. Anyone reading this drivel, I really do just write it for my own sake and it's kind of fun to read later, better than a picture :). I so need to get the crock pot out and into use, it's like a mini one item buffet ready whenever for whoever. I think I am working up to mad, which is a good thing.....don't quite know what to do with it but I guess I'll figure that out. Yeah, I'll go do that now.

I've got a few minutes so here I am, I spent most of yesterday figuring out what I need to do to get real job ready.....having your last job be 8 years of night custodian doesn't prepare you for much other than more of the same, nothing wrong with the custodial gig but I would like another sort of something for the long term lol. So, yesterday I started making an imatch account at the unemployment office and got into this hellaciously long skills test which I'll have to go back and work on....I wonder if I can access that stuff at home? I'll have to check. I filled out and sent in an application for a shoe store....I like shoes. I guess? Today I'm going to maybe pick a friends brain about the best was to fill out the Edzapp application because my ideal would be to get in anywhere with the schools.....except custodial.....but I'd probably take that if I got the chance. Other than that I have an appointment today to go in and see what I need to do to brush up (create) skills needed for getting what I want. Then just the normal, baseball practice and Katie has a choir rehearsal thing but she pretty much can get herself to and from that....though she really wants me to pick her up. Poor kid just wants to quit choir and I keep trying to get her to stick it out......I might relent considering I don't want her to melt down on me. It just seems kind of lame to dropp something right before it all ties up. I don't like uncertainty.....at least not uncertainty you can't really be working on....I guess that would be uncertainty dependent upon outside influences. Gotta go.

Well, it's Mother's Day and the kids are making me breakfast so I thought I'd come on here for a bit. I opened all the little gifts they made at school, Isaac made me a magnet that says "Go Mom", Jake a tile with a butterfly on it, Katie a book mark with 10 things about my Mom, and Anna made a nice card and bought me a plant. The big plan for the day is to have a nice day, the kids want to make breakfast, work on the back yard because it's a field, then go to the park and have a picnic before walking with some friends.....all in all sounds like a good day. Oh yeah....my A-ha moment.....all these years I've thought losing 30 pounds caused pregnancy. IT DOESN'T!!! You don't know how relieved I am considering this week I've lost like 14 pounds pushing me way below the 30 pound threshold. Anyway, my a-ha was losing 30 pounds generally has meant I'm getting myself together, getting fed up with things, and has generally created some sort of insecurity in some....yeah, makes sense to me. Sort of the same way how everything in the past 18 years that should be a good thing has been turned into unpleasant chaos.....so bottom line....I'm not gonna get pregnant! Anyway, I think breakfast is about done so I'm off. Happy Mother's Day!

I am tired, maybe it's hungry? But I don't feel hungry and if it's tired I can't sleep.....so phbblllltttt. Did some more calling today, then spent most of the day at the hospital with my Grandma, she was actually fully aware of everything today but they had to do something else to her so who knows how she'll be tomorrow, she wanted to see the kids and I was going to bring them to her tonight but I guess she's out of it again. Anyway, Anna had her cheer outfit fitting this afternoon, took her to that with the boys, they had to stay out of the locker room so they had fun running the halls. I had to ask about the flexibility on the paying for everything but by gum, Anna's gonna cheer and go to the eighth grade dance and I will find a retainer for a lawyer if need be. I have some piggy banks, ok a piggy bank. Tonight the girls are off with friends and it's just me and the boys, maybe at some point in the future I'll get a TV in the bedroom and we can all sit in there and watch stuff. Tomorrow, Anna has a cheer thing at Riverfront park, Katie runs in the relays and the boys have a baseball game and we're going to visit my grandma if she's up to it. Maybe I should cry, ironically can't seem to do that either.....actually know what I should do. I should get mad. The boys have found my sewing can lol, Jake just brought me a pin and a piece of thread still connected to the half a room away spool and asked me to tie the string on the needle and Isaac found the huge zipper.....anyway can't really seem to get mad either, wish I could figure it out. Maybe it's just resignation, with sadness and a tinge of fear? Jake took the needle I threaded for him and is sewing eyes on the little sock dolls I made years ago, Isaac is making a quilt. I just hope ....lmao......I was just going to say I hope he doesn't sew it to the tablecloth and he says "hey Mom, look at my achievement.....doh" as he tried to pick it up off of the table. OK, I'm going to go with "I can't do anything tonight.....veg".

Ay yi yi.....what a day. Feeling pretty good right now though, let's see.... I escaped a felony assault charge by the grace of one childs good hearing, I've learned that not being able to sleep , eat or cry seem to go together and I seem to be up against a hairy divorce. All in a day, or two....depends on how you count. I just want the house and the kids, I'll take all the bills, leave any investments and retirement stuff, spousal support ect...it could be so simple. But it won't be. So tomorrow I have a job application to turn in, food stamps to apply for, not for the food stamps but for the speed with which they can process child support orders, get in line at legal aid/look for reasonable lawyers, and check that agency that might help with money to change locks ect. Yes, I'm scared, I could handle just the divorce part but I strongly suspect it's going to be a circus. Why expect more in divorce than you got in marriage? I've done it before I can do it again but I so wish it could be logical. Packing up stuff, seeing what he wants....I'm thinking probably just the TV but who knows.....life without TV is actually pretty cool lol.....been there done that last time lol. I do hope he doesn't want the computer though....facebook keeps me sane. Actually I would rather he take the computer than the desk....but then I have to get all the pics out. Dang. Tomorrow. I want to use people this time though....like a popsicle stick fortress. Just stick them all down in the dirt like popsicle sticks in a circle and sit in the middle....maybe cry, maybe just sit there. I think maybe that means I'm tired of it. Crap....18 years. Teach your little girls a phrase, teach them "hell no"....it'll work wonders if used correctly. Which hopefully I have perfected by now, the use of hell no. I'll find out I guess. Because I am never doing this again. Ever. If I get out of this with the house and the kids I have all I need, I love this house and I love my kids and I have no great need for any more. I don't want to do this again but am glad I know how. How to live well on virtually nothing lol. Last time I made $900 a month and had a mortgage of $878.....I'm actually quite proud of that but that was when I was 29 and fiesty, I don't feel so fiesty anymore. One time I took 80 gallons of outdated cream that was being trashed and made it all into butter lmao......that was a project. but I didn't have to buy butter for ever. 80 gallons is a lot of cream. I've done a lot of things lol, good times good times. I just wish it could be normal. I can handle life, I can't handle crazy. I've told the kids so many times in the last 2 days it'll be ok now they're telling me. God, I hope it's allowed to be ok, just leave it alone and let it be ok. I don't know where such hate comes from, I'm not perfect but there's no reason to hate me......but if you must be warned.....a friend gave me an electrical device that can scare the dogs from a room away. I don't want to do this again. But I can. At least I got Cirque Du Soleil in this time....ironically I bought the cool keychain that no longer has a cool car to go with it. Oh well.......later. Know what's a bummer? I left my Lady Gaga CD in the car....I'll never see that again. Or if I do I'll be surprised. I can do it, just leave me the house and kids. If not house then kids. Please.