Uh huh, yeah.......you're just here because I have cheese.

    I get a piece of cheese and Surely shows up.  Typical.  Anyway, Hi!!!  Been awhile but I'm Ba-aaaack.  What's his name is still "incarcerated", tomorrow he pleads not guilty or so I've heard.  Ok.  Tomorrow is also the day I should get to get the visitation modified to none.  Fingers crossed.  Also the day Anna gets enrolled in the Early College High School.  I took the day off so we'd darn tootin' better not have a snow day.  Anyway again....sweet brother O mine, if you're reading go away, anyone else I don't care you know what you're in for lol.  The reason I do this is because it's protective in a way......someone wants to complain about the "crap" I feed the kids.....pics online, wanna complain about the rags the kids are wearing ok, pics posted.   Wanna flip out.....go ahead.  It won't be a secret, much.  That's why I started lol....wanna up and disappear for a month, go ahead.  Then....and then.....it became kind of fun.  Don't know who reads it, don't care.  I have decided though that I need a bucket list with some more fun stuff on it.....I've done the basics.  Anyway, gibberish aside. 
     He's still in jail, kids seem to be doing great.  Isaac is doing awesome in school, teacher has remaked on his improvement in getting work done in a timely manner, scored a 241 on the State reading test when 226 is exceeding, whatever that means, and just in general seems to be doing ok.  Jakes' teacher comments have turned from generally good to "wow, could he be any better" ones. Jake signed up for baseball without his brother which I wasn't sure he would want to do but he had no problem with it.  Of course someone wants to say they are "suffering psychologically" from the situation and need counseling, but if anything they have been knocked for a loop and have taken it as a sign to behave which could be good or bad.  Both are used to the ups and downs and inconsistencies so I don't really think this was much of a surprise to them.  Girl got over her spate of wild-childism of a couple years ago and has been acting incredibly responsibly.  She applied and got accepted at the early College HIgh School so as she puts it, she can get away from the kids who just want to mess around and be with kids who want to learn and graduate with a large chunk of college credits to boot.  Ok, the "to boot" was my addition.  I like tho say "to boot" but then I like boots.  She's volunteering with an eye towards references when she needs them and is generally just thinking about stuff.  Other girl is taking first girls lead and planning on Early College and has started the same volunteer stuff, she's still on the honor roll and again and generally self sufficient in getting her stuff done.  Oh yay......sick boy.  Haven't dealt with cookie tossing in awhile......but he's back in bed.  Probably gonna be hungry in the morning lol. 

I guess my train of thought is something along the lines of "you ain't gonna mess us up this time either though I must admit this is the most impressive attempt yet.".   As Anna says, "If I don't do well he wins".  Sad but true.......you go girl.

Too much? Shhhhhh.....don't tell anyone.....blah blah blah poop.....

Message body

Jennifer,

We have not spoken much about what the boys are eligible for after my death. My disability benefits will stop immediately. The boys are eligible under what is called DIC or dependent indemnity compensation from the VA. Each one should receive up to 350.00 each per month. I don't know how much they will get from Social Security, that will be determined by them but I'm estimating up to 900.00 each.

I have chosen not to pay anymore on my life insurance benefits and will probably be terminated. Self inflicted deaths are not covered anyway.

You have killed me many times before my actual death. I can't believe how you hounded me about online crap while in Afghanistan. Other wives worry about their spouse's safety and your biggest concern was you internet crap. You tracked me like an animal until our separation through online, cell phone or at the mention of a woman's name while you were screwing around with ex lovers and other men from online and offline. Most of the things I learned about was after the fact.

It was difficult coming home all screwed up mentally, physically, and emotionally and you compounding it daily by your endless interrogation of my daily activities at work where I had to drag myself to perform daily. You were accusing me daily of infidelity when you were the one that was committing it daily. I wonder how many afternoons you spent in a motel with  *********** screwing him or some other @@@@ buddy you have on my dime and coming home to give me my daily ration of shit.

I find it totally appalling that you present yourself as being all holy and righteous when you are nothing more than a gold digging white trash. You might want to look at the fraud you committed when we separated. You were getting child support and in-kind support in the amount of 2,850.00 monthly. That would not have qualified you for food stamps and cash from welfare.It'll suck for your taxes and pay to get garnished to pay back all the amount you defrauded the state.Not to mention that you were selling your food stamps to your mom for cash.

Well, not much to say, other than death is welcome considering all the hell you've put me through the last one being May 2nd of last year when you deliberately assaulted me and damaged my body further that what it had. Life has not been the same for me since that day. I'm tired of waking up to daily pain and headaches and having that greet me each day.

I hope you are prepared to deal with the boys and their anger, behavioral problems and possibly suicide attempts when all of this is over. We love each other so much that you are bound to be the focus and blame for their anger, resentment, and the fact that their dad won't be a part of their lives anymore.

It hurts me to look at them and know that I won't be around for their 10th Birthday and beyond. This might be a relief for you since you are always looking at my demise. Your response when I told you that I tried to hang myself on May 2nd of last year in jail was...."Too bad you didn't die!"

I will make sure that whatever method I use is 100 percent successful. Christmas Day is coming up and maybe I'll just give you and the kids a Christmas you'll never forget. As far as things go for me, I've been dead since I came back from Afghanistan other than biological death which will happen soon. Dying does not bother me one bit. A 1 oz. slug coming out of a 12 gauge and the barrel in one's mouth will assure a certain death. One millisecond is not much wait for that slug to sever the spine from the brain at the cerebral cortex and the whole world as I know it will turn black forever. Peace at last!

These are some thoughts you may want to look at or forget. Do not try to complicate things by printing this email and taking it to DHS or wherever the @@@@ you take it to. I love my boys and will not harm them in anyway. Please allow them their visitation on Christmas day since this will be the last time they wll be seeing their dad. 

 

 

 

 

I know you're not supposed to air dirty laundry and such but maybe the world would be a better place if more people did.  After years of crap I can now say he has been arrested on 5 counts of sexual something in the first degree all of which are measure 11 offenses and he will probably be in jail for a bit.....don't know how long of a bit. 

 

Merry Christmas.

Really? Really, really really?

     I mean really?  Things are settling out, tread lightly, establish boundaries......this can work.  Boys are gone, with him........the girls and I are sitting around talking and she starts crying and lamenting never having had a "nice guy" living in the house and how she remembers hiding when her dad came home from work and how the other he wasn't any better with his "It's ok to do this's".  Oooops.....hadn't told me that part before.  I'd only heard the sleazy questionable parts, not the I couldn't get away because his arms were around my waist parts, or the alone in the room clothes off touching parts.  She told her sister, who did tell me about the money and birth control part and I did have that out with him, she told two, possibly three friends, who told no one.  She didn't tell me anything.  He would have been gone long before the totally losing it and the threats of death.  By the way.......don't do that around children.  It lands you in jail.  Wth, wth, wth?  I mean really?  Wth is he thinking?  He's doing this during the same time period that his brother is being sentenced to 8 years for the same thing.  Really?

It's warm in here, but then again.....I am wearing flannel

   Don't know what's been going on lately but I've been sleeping 5-6 hours and getting up.  I don't have a problem with that as such but when one goes to bed at 10:00 one then gets up at 3:00 or 4:00.  That's early enough that the spiders are still running around freely.  I don't see spiders during the day much but they skitter around at night.  Spiders aside, I have this great urge to buy paint......but I won't.  Not til the quantity of stuff in the house levels out to an appropriate amount of stuff for the size of the house.  I figure that to be oh........1250 sq. ft. divided by 5......250 sq ft each, divide by age of person......multiply by number of pets.....yeah, way less than we have.  It amazes me how much stuff goes out of this house and there's still more.  When Tom left he took 2-3 pick-up loads, I've always got a Goodwill box going, in the past year I've hauled 4-5 van loads off....and yet there's more.  I keep thinking I must be getting to the end, I must.  I pulled 4 large boxes of stuff out of the boys room a couple days ago......I have faith it will end. 

    I've heard that people in times of change or uncertainty start to hold onto stuff in case they need it, I've always gotten rid of stuff.  If you give it away it always comes back when you need it....if you sell it you have to buy it back if you need it lol.  Anyway, times of whatever I've always wanted to be unfettered by stuff.  Almost there, yeah....almost there.......AND, once I am I can buy PAINT!!!  Does anyone else think one exclamation point looks too feeble?  or is that just me?  Once the stuff is done I'm going to take everything off the walls and sit back and relax as if I were in Yoville or my little Sim house......I'm not nuts, it's early and I don't care.  If I don't work today, I'll go through stuff and maybe clean up the side yard or pick blackberries. 

Off to shower then start the round of kids awakenings........first day of school and all.

How do you make that sound? It's not quite a raspberry but kind of a raspberry whew combo?

     Well it's been quite a year, two months and eleven days.....or 437 days......got my 5 or so tubes of paint out and dragged the big canvas out from behind the couch and made me a picture so hopefully I can change my direction a bit back towards where I want it to be.  I like my picture, it's blue and red (limited colors lol), nobody else does but that's ok....ok I lie....Carolee says she does but she's just nice and I can always force a child to like it.  Childhood family folk never say anything, I think they just cringe and say "OMG she's doing something DIFFERENT.....stop her, stop her quick".   You think I jest?  I've been banned for the posting of a cute picture of two people having fun....omg.  Ever feel like you're stuck in a Martha Stewart world?  Anyway.........

......it's funny how I feel like I can talk about stuff now but don't really want to. Maybe I'll give it a whirl....like the HUGE concrete pad in the backyard.  Really?  Ok, I refer to the thing as the Mega shed project or the Launchpad.........whatever you call it it ain't coming out so I've been trying to figure out exactly what to do with it.......It's huge, no idea how big exactly but big enough for a largest possible shed, a greenhouse, and a hot tub "structure".......and it's visibly crooked.  I mean really....who goes into a project of such magnitude and expense WITHOUT A PLAN????   Whatever, I now am the possessor of such a treasure.  I know how much fill is in there because I put it there, I know how much re-bar and concrete are in there because I wrote the checks.....and I know it would cost more to take it out....so, cool bbq?  fire pit?  gazebo?  planter box garden?  all of the above?  What does it matter lol, the whole yard has gone to pot....heehee, I said gone to pot.  Ironically that is the one thing I don't have to worry about it going to anymore.  Next year, next year I'll get on the yard.  Maybe this year.......nah.  This year I'll aim for some semblance of not needing a herd of goats to get it back under control. 

     I finally got into the subbing thing around Christmas time last year and that'll do for now, actually got hired for a job in february of last year but with the way things were with the schools and budgets they just let all temporary positions go to make room for permanent people shuffling around.   So, back on the sub list I go.  It's not a job one does for the pay lol....took a 20-25% paycut this year over last year, no benefits and no stability......but it has an awesome schedule.  I like the work for the most part and once I get it figured out and go get my masters I can at least sub at a higher level lol.  I wanted to write lyrics for Under the Boardwalk except make it Back on the Sub List a while ago, never did.  Maybe I will tonight.  Off topic here, but one thing I like about life now is that I can buy and actually listen to music now.....which I'm doing now : D . 

     Kids......hmmmm....who knows how they're doing.  I've given the girls an excellent education in what not to do with their lives.  I worry about Anna becoming too hard, I worry about Isaac being too sensitive, Jake is a survivor....he may wreak havoc elswhere but he'll be fine.  I worry about Katie the least, hopefully she'll avoid the pitfalls.......but if she doesn't she'll be ok.  She reminds me a lot of me, she'll sit back figure it out and move on. 

     I wish I didn't have to do all the self protective measures, I wish things could just be logical and sane, but I guess they aren't going to be.  Things are going to be expletives and threats and all I can do is know the legalities and stay within those boundaries and all should be fine.  And I hope he's with his current long enough to transfer all of his stuff onto her lol.......poor woman.  Anyway. 

    

It's hot and I'm jazzed on coffee

  Those are good nights.....those nights where you kinda feel like staying up and kinda feel like lot's a coffee.  They used to be nights of spastic laundry dish doing until I saw the light one night.    Did you know you can spastically do every dish, wash every bit of fabric in the house, sweep every corner and it doesn't matter?  It doesn't.  ok....I will admit if you never do any of those things you will regret the 3 day laundry marathon that you eventually get to......yeah I'm down to I think 3 loads.  It's been a sucky 3 days lol.  Now it's more a time to go buy those songs you keep looking up on you tube, good golly it's hot.  What happened?  Did my order to cancel summer get lost?  Fall, winter, spring, fall, winter, spring that's all we need.  Though I must admit the allergy issue was much alleviated today....just noticed that actually.  I don't think I've blown my nose once or scared a cat with a sneeze all day.  Cool. 

Anyway, school ended, my temporary position has ended but at least now I have a work history more recent than 10 years ago.  Got to the end to experience just a bit of drama....Nooooooo, I don't do drama, I don't do drama, I don't do drama........aaaackkkk.   Drama survived, besides who am I fooling I either do do drama or attract it really well.  I just wanna laze around looking for bunnies in the clouds......or giraffes or big scary monsters.  The one who mustn't be mentioned, I'll just call him Tom.  That's T O W M B M switched around to towmmb which sorta sounds like Tom.  So anyway, Tom blew a gasket again, this time over Father's day......something like this. Him "I want the boys on Father's day" me "OK", him "Blah blah blah call attorney denying me rights blah blah blah blah", me "enough already I said ok".  End of call, 10 minutes later....ring ring.....me "hello?" he "hi I'm an attorney" me "oh for pete's sake".  Of course I paraphased a bit, left out some expletives and tears and such crap, but that's the gist of it.  So as a result of that conversation the boys and I got to take the train and it has been dictated that we are following the visitation schedule to the letter, no variation.  This works out great for me because I like to plan and now I can.......would suck for someone who doesn't plan very well.   I got me a calendar and have the next year and a half scheduled out now......go ahead, give me a date and I'll tell you who's got the boys. 

Let's see, boys are done with baseball......they won the playoffs woohoo, go boys team.....and done with cubscouts for the normal stuff.  Unfortunately most of the summer activities fall on Tom's days but that's ok, though there were a couple I had been looking forward to.  Oh well.  Anna is now a member of the Olyannes, the school dance team,  oh dude.....I just noticed they're the Olyannes and she's Anna....she's an Olyanna!!!  Katie is still trucking along with the violin and seems perfectly content with that.  Dogs went up to a schauzer rescue in Washington and have been adopted by people who are doing such things as taking them to classes and probably putting bows in their hair and I have reverted back to cats as I had before.....I had 5 at one point lol.  Then they all got gone....Cloe, Lucy, Nuts, Henry and Emily.  Now I've got George and Surely.  The household pet shui has been restored. 

I'm tired, life is good......g'night.

Oh who knows.....call it what you like

Hello.  This is going to be a mind making up exercise.  I have a problem.  It's huge........gargantuan even.  Almost too much for one person to bear.  Are you ready for this?  My parents want to throw me a 40th birthday/you're divorced.......again type party.  You'd think I could find something else to not be able to sleep over.  I guess I'm lucky that's all I've got to fret about......."Dude.....my parents want to throw me a party, can you believe the audacity?"  I'm looking forward to turning 40.....I've been telling people I'm 40 for the better part of a year already anyway.  It does seem weird to be 40.....I don't feel 40, still feel about 26........29 was a good year also,  although that could be attributed to the end of decade divorce phenomenon.  Have you ever decided that you were just not going to use a form of punctuation?  I have....won't use colons or semi-colons.  Anyway, as far as the divorce issue, I was thinking about it the other day and had a certain feeling of accomplishment come over me......there's something to be said for doing it, not once but twice, that well......I don't know.......kind of makes you feel freer or stronger or less likely to really care what the neighbors think about your armpit high lawn or when you get the blank stare over some perfectly logical statement.  Maybe it just makes you weird?  So anyway, I've been stewing over telling my parents no I don't want no stinkin' party and just saying ta hell with it and just giving them a list of every person I've ever met.  Well maybe not every person.....hell why not?